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Divorcing Your Parents

2009-12-30T06:41:00.000-08:00

What happens when kids want to separate from their parents?

Single Mom Seeking: Thanks to Drew Barrymore's interview on "60 Minutes" about divorcing her parents, a national dialogue has started about this often-hushed topic:

When parents and their kids split up.

This week, Jezebel featured the story "Irreconcilable Differences: When Kids Dump Their Parents."

Also this week, Dr. Richard A. Friedman -- a professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College -- wrote in the New York Times:

"Of course, we cannot undo history with therapy. But we can help mend brains and minds by removing or reducing stress. Sometimes, as drastic as it sounds, that means letting go of a toxic parent."

This resonates with me very deeply. You see, when I was 18, I had such a big falling out with my father -- so big that I legally dropped my last name.

Looking back, my decision was dramatic -- and malicious. My father had not been abusive or negligent. He'd simply had a hard time letting his oldest daughter grow up. (He was THAT father who sent flowers to me every week at college -- along with buckets of caramel popcorn. And he called the dorm phone persistently, as much as I begged him to give me some space.)

Today, now that I'm a single mother, we still have our share of issues. But my father has gone to couples' therapy with me (strange, I know!), and both of us have worked so hard to make healthy boundaries. I'm incredibly grateful.

We've both worked hard to be open and honest. As adults, we've learned how to communicate -- as adults, for real.

I'm curious: Have any other moms out there "divorced" their parents -- and later tried to repair the relationship?

Thanksgiving As a Single Mom?

2009-12-30T06:39:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving has been a tough holiday for me because I officially became a single mom on this very holiday.

Single Mom Seeking: So, I now have enough Thanksgivings under my belt as a single parent to have some experience with this. Are you a single parent celebrating Thanksgiving? Will you have your kids -- or not?

If you're divorced -- and your ex has the kids -- will you get some much-needed "me time" and spend the day on your own? Maybe you'll watch a string of old movies with popcorn? Or, do some yoga and take a bath?

Personally, I'm on board with having a girlfriends' Thanksgiving -- like single mom blogger known as Ms. V. -- a mom of two sons who got divorced a few years ago -- agrees.

"I'm not one to advocate volunteering at a soup kitchen, because it's been done to death as a way to avoid your real feelings," Ms. V says. "I say, volunteer in your house."

Here's what Ms. V. means:

"If you don't have the kids, make your house warm and cozy for you. Have some friends over. Put something bubbling on the stove, play music, light scented candles, bake cookies, and build a fire -- yes, a fire in the fireplace."

"So, when your kids get back, they enter this warm, cozy home. THAT is something to be thankful for -- coming back to a real home."

Also, know that you might not be alone for future Thanksgivings. Take single mom My Life Incomplete, who's celebrating Thanksgiving with her boyfriend of 18+months, his family, and her 4-year-old son.

"I love his parents, brothers, their wives and their kids. We are a fun bunch when we all get together! I am really looking forward to spending the holiday with them."

For My Life Incomplete, spending a Thanksgiving alone is still vivid in her mind. If you're alone, she suggests:

"We spend too much time wondering what if, wishing things would have turned out differently, beating ourselves up, trying to understand, etc. Be thankful for this opportunity to start living this new life and for the chance to discover YOU in the months and years to come. Whatever the reason you are single this Thanksgiving, you can be thankful for that."

Just a Guy, His Wife, and SEX

2009-12-30T06:37:00.000-08:00

Last week's blog was about one of the other three common couples' argument topics -- money -- so I thought I'd take on the easier one with this blog: sex. Yeah, very easy.

Bruce Sallan: While I declared that sex isn't a big issue in our household (and it isn't), I also have to admit it is an issue. There's a movie quote -- don't ask me from which movie -- that goes something like this: "He wants, she doesn't, he wants, she doesn't," which sums up the stereotypical thinking on sex between couples.

Truth is, I suspect it may be a bit more weighted toward the "she wants" in our house. There are a host of reasons for this that are just too personal to go into, and the differential isn't that disparate. I'd say our only ongoing issues with sex are timing, the kids' presence, and menopause.

I like the evening, she likes the morning. An honest difference of feeling. They're my kids, now her beloved stepkids, so the noise and their presence has a negligible effect on me -- maybe a little more with her (I'm going to ask right now).

As for the menopause, I will only get myself in trouble with that one, so suffice it to say, I've only known my wife "in menopause," so I really have no idea who I married, a comment she doesn't appreciate, and one I use too often (you know how men use the same ol' jokes all the time -- I'm just as guilty as any other man of doing that).

So, as far as sex goes, I guess I'd have to just say -- what do I know? I'm just a guy.

Sex After Childbirth: The First Time

2009-06-18T05:43:00.000-07:00

"Having sex after childbirth can be a little tricky the first time," says Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., gynecologist and author of What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex. "It typically takes about six weeks for your body to be ready for sex again, but even if your doctor says it's a go, you might experience some discomfort." To make the experience easier and more pleasurable:

Keep lots of lube handy. "After childbirth, hormones levels increase -- especially if you're breast feeding," notes Hutcherson. "Those hormones cause vaginal dryness, so you won't lubricate as well during sex. Using liberal amounts of a water-based lube such as K-Y or Astroglide will keep the friction from becoming uncomfortable."

Go slowly. "If your vagina tore during birth, or you had an episiotomy, you might still be a little tender down there -- even if the area has technically healed," says Hutcherson. "So take it easy and encourage your guy to slow down."

Opt for woman-on-top. "Choosing that position will help you control the speed, depth of penetration, and placement of pressure," notes Hutcherson. "Having that control will ensure that the experience is as pleasurable as possible."

Have "plain vanilla" sex. "Don't use any gimmicky pleasure-enhancing lubes or anything like that," warns Hutcherson. "You may still have tiny breaks in your skin, and 'warming lubes' or whatever could cause irritation down there."

Relax. "The more fearful you are, the more painful sex will be," says Hutcherson. "Tension will cause you to clamp down and dry up -- so be sure to relax, breathe, and enjoy yourself!"

Sex positions for first-timers

2009-06-18T05:28:00.000-07:00

Your partner has planned a romantic getaway. This will be the first time you will share intimate moments with him and you are sure that he too is looking forward to having sex with you. However, creativity can wait. It's better to keep it simple the first time.
Missionary position

This is the most uncomplicated sexual position ever. According to Dr Krishnakant Menon, a sexologist, it is a position both of you can be comfortable in. "It involves the man being on top of the woman. It works well if the woman is shy and the man needs to take control," he says.

Go girl go!
Why not take charge the first time and guide him? "Some men like it when the woman takes full control. You can take charge by getting on top of him. This is the reverse of the missionary position," says Dr Deepak Mehra, a sexologist.

Down and dirty

You have to get down on your fours and have him behind you. The woman needs to be in the crawling position and her partner is over her, entering her from behind. "This is highly pleasurable and a lot of young couples are known to enjoy it," explains Dr Menon.

Stand by me

A lot of couples like to do it standing. If there is too much of difference in your heights, you can let him sit while you remain standing. "If you want to sit, make sure you are seated on a platform so that he doesn't need to bend when he enters you," says Dr Mehra.

Beside me

The side-by-side sexual position is known to prolong sex and hence make things a little more exciting. "You do not climax too soon. When you are doing it for the first time you will probably want it to last for as long as it can," explains Dr Mehra.

If you are sure you can get creative with sex the first time you do it, go for it! Be comfortable with your bodies and you should be able to make things exciting for both of you sooner than expected.

Is Married Sex Boring?

2009-02-18T05:45:00.000-08:00

Ever notice how single people on television always seem to have a blast in bed? Between all the partying and partner swapping, having sex when you're single seems to sizzle a lot more than when you're married. But is it an unfair portrayal of those committed for life or is art actually imitating real life?
On TV, even when the characters are married, they still can't help but bed hop with people other than their spouses. Think: Eva Longoria's character's affair with the hot young gardener on Desperate Housewives, or Kim Cattrall's character who regularly bedded married men on Sex in the City. And who could forget Tony Sopranos' endless string of affairs on The Sopranos? Yeah, maybe those situations aren't the norm in our lives, but the whining for sex on Everybody Loves Raymond does seem to hit home a bit for some moms.

According to a new study released this week by the Parents Television Council, network TV "seems to be actively seeking to undermine marriage by consistently painting it in a negative light."

The Council also claimed topics like voyeurism and sadomasochistic sex outnumber married sex references--and the effects on kids is dire because behavior that was once seen as "fringe, immoral or socially destructive has been given the imprimatur of acceptability by the television industry." In other words, if kids are exposed to kinky behavior enough, they'll start to think it's normal.

And when researchers analyzed different television shows to rate bad examples of sexual behavior, they found Grey's Anatomy took the lead with singles Meredith and Derek frolicking in bed and Boston Legal for a conversation about prostitution. The study also showed that "Family Hour" contained the highest ratio of references to married sex versus non-married sex.

Which got us thinking, which TV married couples got it right in the sack?

Mike and Carol Brady: Every evening on The Brady Bunch, Mike and Carol lay in bed--she with her needlepoint, and he with his book. And inevitably a freckled-face kid wandered in with a dilemma, killing any chance of romance. But we have to question their sexual chemistry to begin with--a perfunctory peck on the lips ended each night.

Peg and Al Bundy: Peggy was an undersexed housewife on Married with Children who, despite hubby Al's penchant for scratching his crotch and chugging beer, wanted her man badly. Al, on the other hand, used sex as bribery when he wasn't running away from her sexual advances.

Miranda Hobbs and Steve Brady: On Sex and the City, she was a wealthy NYC lawyer looking for a one-night stand and he was a bartender who had slacked off most of his life. But despite their differences, they married and lived in Brooklyn while their sex life remained in Manhattan.

Eric and Annie Camden: Although this 7th Heaven couple weathered lots of issues as a family--teen pregnancy, drug use, and near death accidents--Eric and Annie remained blissfully happy. But with seven kids running around and a dog named Happy, when did they ever find time to hit the sheets?

At-home sex toys

2008-12-30T01:40:00.000-08:00

It's comparatively tougher to buy sex toys in India. But cheer up, there are lots of make-shift sex toys to be found scattered around your house! Use your imagination (and these household appliances) to make things much, much hotter. Here's our list of what's in and around your house to perk up your erotic life.

The washing machine

Vibrating sex on the washing machine makes for a great sexual experience. Turn on the spinner, lie down on the top and have a great time. The vibrations will be stimulating. And by the time you have achieved nirvana, the clothes will have dried.

The bathtub

The bathtub is your next best option for underwater sex, after the swimming pool. In fact, the bathtub allows for greater intimacy and gives you privacy. Since the bathtub is so close to the bedroom, you could keep switching venues for best results.

The doors

A door provides a great stable surface for stand-up sex. This holds especially true for hard, wooden doors. Just ensure that the door is not the main entrance. Your neighbours may get disturbed by your amorous escapades. And yeah, make sure you lock it beforehand.

Kitchen counter

The kitchen counter is a great venue for some good sex. In addition to the fact that it allows for more experimentation than the bedroom, there are cold slabs that can add to your experience. He makes you hot inside and the slabs make you cold outside. Doesn't it sound worth a try?

Garden or balcony

Nothing beats sex in natural environs. More importantly, if you have a swing in the balcony or a see-saw in the garden, you would be silly not to use it. And, make sure to look at the stars.

A good time can always begin at home. Therefore, before you go out and around looking for better options, look homewards.